Pointless to try.

A long time ago, an instructor at college demonstrated the theory behind "trying" and "doing" by asking a student to "try" and remove a pencil from his hand. The idea is that "trying" to do something is not the same as "doing" it. By "trying" you are only attempting to succeed in an attempt instead of actually succeeding, whereas to "do" it means success has been achieved. Although I can see this theory can have valid points, personally, I do NOT believe in it. This theory implies that you can "do" something without "trying" to do it.

Taking the same experiment into account, to try and remove the pencil without doing it would mean attempting to pull or lift the pencil; however, it is not leaving the instructor's hand. Any number of factors could give this result. For example, the student could simply not be strong enough to lift the pencil itself, or the instructor could have a stronger grip than the student's pull. Yet, to do it would mean the student has, indeed, removed the pencil from the instructor's hand despite what obstacles may have prevented it from happening. The real test is to see if it is possible to DO something without TRYING it.

"Doing something without trying it" is indeed possible, but highly improbable. To relate to the experiment, if the student were to attempt to remove the pencil without trying to do so, it would mean the student cannot lift, pull, or even touch the pencil because doing so would implement "trying." Also, the student could neither approach, nor make contact with the instructor. Getting the instructor to release the pencil, whether by persuasion or force, would still be "trying to remove it." The only way to remove the pencil without trying would be with an external force such as wind, or another person, that was not influenced or controlled by the student in any way. That would be an unlikely scenario, but the result would constitute the "possibility" of doing something without trying. The same rule would apply if someone wanted to get out of a chair without trying. The person wouldn't be able to make a move or ask for any assistance, because that would be trying.

I stress these points because I am stressed with constant failure from simply trying to do something. Despite what I want to do in life, what relationships I have, or what beliefs I wish to follow, most of everything I have made an endeavor to achieve has proven unsuccessful. A lot of sacrifices have been made to try and produce the desired results, but to no avail; nonetheless, I have kept trying and trying hoping to succeed at some point.

But, until now, I suppose. Right now, I just don't see the point in trying anymore. Everything I've tried has just been thrown back in face. Sometimes I believe that it is my attempts themselves that cause my own misfortune. And even as I type right now, the part in my mind that wants to keep trying is still trying to formulate plots and calculate theories only for the sheer enjoyment of thinking. However, the major part of me, the part that wants to see the desired results so badly, has just about ran out of patience. I don't think I see a point in trying anymore. I try to make a decent animation, but I can't focus and my equipment is failing on me. I try to update my site and keep a Youtube channel of videos, but my internet screws with me while viewers ridicule me and my works. I try to make friends, but no one talks to me. I try to meet girls, but I scare them. I try to reconcile with family, but I am misunderstood. I try to encourage and teach, but I am ignored. I try to stay happy, but I am bombarded with life's BS. I try to think, but I am too depressed with everything else.

At this point, I don't care about my lingering existence. I've never cared about myself to begin with. I'm just not as important as everything else. Funny thing is I do consider killing myself quite often, but I doubt I could bring myself to do so on the account that it would take too much effort, and for the fact that I'm so easily distracted I'd probably couldn't completely focus on it. It's sad really: a person so pathetic, he can't even take his own life so he lingers on with his pain, unable to heal himself. But the truth of the matter is... "who cares?" People such as myself are not meant to be recognized by society except as anti-social psychopaths; despite that we are, or at least I am, the exact opposite of a psychopath. I have far too much regret, sorrow, and compassion too be considered a psychopath.

*Sigh* I just don't know what to do anymore. But if my plans do not fall through over the next few months, there won't be much point in me living much longer. I've literally put my life into making this work, but if this much effort is not enough to make my dream a reality, then I have no place in this reality.